Negativity has been my companion for the most of my 23 years in this body. It has opened its arms to me, protected me from the unknown and the known. Up until recently, I didn’t believe I could live without it. With all honesty, it had been the only way of life for me. I wasn’t aware that I had become an overwhelming negative energy that people avoided. I simply took shelter in cynicism. 

In my head, I was doomed from all childhood experiences and knew there was no way to undo the damage. I expected to be a lonely “cat lady”, never worthy of a healthy relationship. I refused to allow myself to be vulnerable around other people in fear that they would look for a weakness to use against me. I thought positive and spiritual people were high on an unattainable illusion, and rather silly. I attributed my unhappiness to a city full of “fakes” without ever considering myself to be one. I did a lot of blaming on external forces that I swore were out of my control but I didn’t think to pause and look within. 

I began to suffocate with my own pessimism until my mind, body and spirit united and vowed to make a change. I no longer desire unhealthy outlets of escapism nor crave toxic personalities. I have promised to take care of myself—to love myself so that I can spread my goodness to others.

It would be nice to say that it’s been easy but my reflective journey has been (mostly) chaotic, yet purifying. Through several types of therapy (I finally had the courage to free my belief on this as a taboo), yoga and a support system, I am growing into a wholesome person I admire. By gradually letting go of damaging thoughts, I have learned that I deserve love and to love.

I am grateful that I have guidance through this terrifying path. The handful of forces by my side have encouraged me to search within, to leave the past in the past, to reverse the hurtful and untrue thoughts about myself, and to accept everything about myself. With this, I am discovering the beauty of living in the present even if it is only for a few seconds. 

Take moments out of your day to absorb your surroundings, to feel your feet grounded to the earth, to feel your bones under your skin, to feel your heart pump blood, to experience an array of emotions as your mind wanders in a meditative state, and to accept that we are a united energy. Have patience when attempting to rid of poisonous negativity that surrounds you and that lives within you. I hope that you too find momentary peace and appreciation for the existing with these brief check ins, connecting to the infinite.

Published in gisselli.com

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